Divorcing a narcissist in Wisconsin requires a strategic approach as the narcissist is likely to make it a high-conflict divorce. The best approach is to prepare for your divorce effectively, meaning emotionally preparing yourself, creating a plan, and seeking an attorney who has experience in high-conflict divorces.
It’s not easy to be married to a narcissist, and it can be a challenge to divorce one as well. Their controlling and emotionally exhausting behavior in the marriage can intensify when they realize you are leaving. Understanding how narcissistic personalities affect the divorce process and what strategies to use or avoid can help you make more informed choices moving forward.
Narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health disorder that requires a diagnosis. However, its traits are easily recognizable. Many people believe they are in a relationship with a narcissist, or at least with someone who has narcissistic traits.
Narcissists can make the people closest to them feel anxious, insignificant, and incompetent. When someone is around a narcissist for a long time, it’s challenging to remember your self-worth and feel confident moving forward with a difficult decision. This makes it especially important to have a divorce attorney so you have someone legally supporting you and advocating for what you deserve.
Narcissism is marked by symptoms such as an oversized sense of self importance. Narcissists often take advantage of others and believe they are owed or deserve favorable treatment. They are often arrogant and lack empathy. Does this sound familiar?
Even if your spouse does not have an NPD diagnosis, they may exhibit narcissistic traits. That can make them difficult to deal with and create unique challenges in your divorce. If you think you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it may be time to plan for your divorce.
The fact that one party is behaving narcissistically does not inherently change the divorce process, but it can make it harder. A narcissist will try to wear you down until you make concessions you regret later. They can also make the divorce process much more litigious than it has to be.
It’s always beneficial to have an attorney for your divorce, but an attorney is even more important when divorcing a narcissist. Narcissists are emotionally manipulative and try to be controlling. These tactics do not work on attorneys. An attorney can help things move forward faster and more productively when you are up against a narcissist.
Some people are tempted to be the bigger person and make concessions early, expecting their ex to play fair and meet them in the middle. With a narcissist, this rarely works. Instead, they keep going for more, even when they’ve gotten more than they deserved.
Trying to convince them of the best thing to do with reason or logic also often fails if you are dealing with a narcissist. Whether it’s what’s best for the kids or the most logical solution for everyone, narcissists argue to win and are unlikely to “let you have your way” even if it objectively makes the most sense. Not to mention, they are unlikely to honor verbal agreements. Spending time and energy trying to convince a narcissist into doing the right thing is often a waste of time and can even just give them more ammo and leverage in future arguments.
Being with a narcissist can erode your confidence and have you questioning your judgement, instincts, or even your own memory. Prolonged exposure to control and manipulation can significantly alter how one views themselves. Even a strong, capable person can feel the profound impact over time, though it is often hard to realize how much it has impacted you until it is over.
Many people cling to the hope that they can fix their partner or their partner will change. Narcissistic partners don’t change because of empathy or logic. It’s important to put yourself and your children first and not minimize your experience or feelings.
You should expect pushback once you make your decision known, which can include promises to change, playing the victim, or anger. You do not have to justify yourself or convince your spouse to agree to a divorce. The goal should not be to convince them you are making the right decision, the goal is to plan for a safe, stable, and happy future for you and your children.
Many divorces that include a narcissistic person become high conflict divorces. High conflict divorces absolutely negatively impact children. Research suggests that children from high conflict divorces can also experience post-traumatic stress symptoms. These can include nightmares, feelings of guilt or detachment, and other negative changes. They may also experience changes in their mental health, including anxiety, depression, and behavior issues.
However, a high conflict marriage is not better for the children, and can be worse. Parental conflict negatively impacts children whether their parents are married or divorced. Ideally, the divorce ultimately leads to less conflict, which is better for the children.
While many divorces involving a narcissistic spouse are high conflict, not every high conflict divorce is caused by narcissism. Regardless, being in a high conflict divorce requires a different approach to your case, so it is worth determining if that is your situation so you can strategize accordingly.
Divorces are generally not happy or pleasant affairs. Emotions often run high and exes do not agree on everything. A high conflict divorce goes beyond normal disagreements and is challenging to deescalate. In a high conflict divorce, there are power struggles, hostile communication, and litigation or legal threats.
Children are often used as pawns or messengers. Communication is often manipulative or controlling. There is often no compromising and a lack of accountability.
Attorneys are particularly important in high conflict divorces because they help keep things on topic and productive. They are a third party that cannot be manipulated by your ex.
The following strategies aren’t meant to give in to your ex or allow them to be verbally or emotionally abusive. They are meant to enable the divorce to move forward as productively as possible. As cathartic as it may seem to argue when you are confident you are in the right, that’s not the winning strategy for the long term. How you conduct yourself through your divorce can impact how favorable judgements are and therefore impact you for years to come.
Narcissists and high conflict individuals often try to manipulate others. They can prey on emotions and bait you. They can also try to distract from the real issue at hand. Don’t play into those tactics. They are trying to get a rise out of you, and that one late-night email filled with what you really think can be used against you later.
Not every email, text, or message requires an immediate response, or a response at all. If emotions are running high, set it aside until you can respond concisely and neutrally. You have better things to do than spend your time sending messages to someone who is largely trying to get under your skin.
You do not need to overexplain or address every side issue in their communication. When possible, stick with only communicating about necessary topics related to the divorce or children. Trying to get them to take accountability or accept blame is generally not going to be successful and will only make them more combative, so focus on solving the problem at hand.
Even though it may be tempting, don’t speak poorly about your spouse to your children. Even if you believe your spouse is talking badly about you, resist the temptation to do the same.
First and foremost, it’s not fair to the children. Children need stability, not the emotional burden of handling adult problems. The focus should be on what is best for the children, and this type of behavior can increase their anxiety, make them feel guilty, and create long-lasting issues for the children.
It can also further escalate what is already a contentious relationship with your ex. Plus, it can undermine any current or future cases. Judges and guardian ad litems (GALs) seek to determine what is best for the child, and they are looking for a parent that provides a safe and stable environment, not one filled with emotional harm and parental alienation.
Most people benefit from only communicating on an as-needed basis after the divorce. This helps both parties move on and prevents unnecessary arguments. You two will never see eye to eye, and no good comes from dredging up old disagreements.
For families with children, some communication is unavoidable. Many people use apps like OurFamilyWizard to limit communication to just what is necessary for the children. It encourages respectful messaging. The messages cannot be edited or deleted, and can also be admissible in court.
In any scenario, you cannot control how your narcissistic or high conflict spouse behaves. You can only control how you respond. Divergent Family Law can help you be strategic in your divorce and achieve the best outcome for you and your family.
