Divorce is not an easy decision or one to take lightly. People often want to know how to not regret divorcing their spouse, or how to be sure they aren’t making a mistake. Divorce is a huge life change that involves a lot of uncertainty. Whether or not you’ll regret your divorce often depends on your reasons for divorce and your expectations for your life after your marriage ends.
Most people do not regret their divorce. Per a 2016 study by Avvo, most people do not regret their divorce. Nearly three quarters of women and over 60% of men do not regret their divorce. Of course, every marriage and divorce is unique, and some individuals do regret their decision. There are also many situations where one party regrets the divorce and the other does not. Some people’s biggest regret is not getting divorced sooner.
Divorce is hard and even when people are absolutely confident in their decision to divorce there can be sad moments. That does not necessarily mean they regret the divorce. It is completely normal to feel sad that your lifelong plans are not panning out. No one wants this outcome when they fall in love and get married.
Divorce regret is more than the initial feelings of frustration or sadness while in the middle of this major life transition. It is feeling sad or remorseful long after the divorce, or holding the genuine belief that things would have been better had you not gone through with it.
Divorce regret often hits after or during certain milestones after divorce. People may regret their divorce when they see their ex move on. On the other hand, they may regret their divorce when they start dating and determine it isn’t as fun or promising as they thought.
Other times, people regret their divorce as their new financial reality sets in, or if they divorce with kids, as they see their children struggle with the new family dynamic.
Regret can be similar to grief. You are grieving a relationship that meant a great deal to you. Grief can come in stages or in waves. In particular, if there are children, it can be harder to “move on” because you still need to interact with your ex, which can create complicated feelings.
For most people, divorce is not a decision they took lightly or came to quickly. Many people have been unhappy for a long time and have spent months or years trying to fix the relationship. By the time they decide to get divorced, they are exhausted. Divorce often brings relief, peace, and the opportunity to improve other aspects of their lives.
People in uneven relationships can put a lot of effort in making their partner happy or ignoring their own emotions for the sake of the family. Particularly if you are in a relationship with a toxic or narcissistic person, a lot of effort can go into keeping the peace, and that effort is not reciprocated.
Contrary to popular belief, a study recently found that single mothers get more sleep and spend less time on housework than married mothers, despite spending the same amount of time on childcare.
All relationships require compromise, but many people pursuing divorce have found that over time they have compromised more and more, often without their partner doing the same in return. Divorce offers an opportunity to reconnect with hobbies and passions that you have put aside. It can also be an opportunity to reconnect with friends and family that may have been deprioritized as you struggled in an unhappy marriage.
For the minority of people who do regret their divorce, that regret can be for several types of reasons. Some people may not regret the divorce, but regret the circumstances that made it necessary. A relationship that was once loving may no longer be safe in situations involving substance abuse, domestic violence, or other destructive behaviors. It’s okay to grieve the relationship you used to have and regret that it devolved to where it is now.
For some, religious beliefs or a traditional family background causes them to feel guilty for getting a divorce. This can be internal, based on your own beliefs and values, or you can feel guilted by those around you who question your decision.
Many people regret their behavior during the marriage. Whether it was infidelity or smaller behaviors, they did not take their partner’s feelings seriously or did not think they would actually leave until it was too late. Sometimes they didn’t realize their behaviors were that big of a deal until new partners express similar frustrations.
Whether they refused counseling when their spouse requested it, or they just never thought about intermediary steps before filing for divorce, some people regret not trying more solutions before getting divorced. Some people are undoubtedly able to save a marriage with therapy or intentional changes within the relationship, but both people must be willing. Even then, not all marriages are destined to last even with both parties giving their best effort.
The financial reality can be hard to adjust to after divorce, and some would rather have endured a less-than-ideal marriage than pay child support or adjust to a downgraded lifestyle.
They may have thought life would be easier without their partner, or thought they would have more fun after divorce. If their post-divorce life doesn’t live up to these expectations, they can regret the divorce. Proper financial planning before divorce can also help with this.
Historically, divorce has been frowned upon. Divorce used to be considered an affront to religion and family values. The reality though is that it is a tough but necessary decision for millions of individuals. Divorce can be challenging for kids, but witnessing abuse or living with a substance abuser all have high probabilities of worse outcomes for children according to this highly cited study.
Instead of dwelling on the past, focus on the present and future. Don’t give too much energy to negative thoughts or people who would rather see you unhappy than healthy. Instead, prioritize self-care. That could mean seeing a therapist, spending time with friends, or making time for activities you enjoy. It could also mean focusing on the basics: get enough sleep, exercise, and eat well. Spend your time and energy with people who want to see you healthy, stable, and moving forward.
Finding a way to co-parent with your ex can play a big role in happiness after divorce. Falling into the same unproductive behaviors and communication styles that made your marriage unhappy is not good for you or the children. You may need to set firm boundaries in the parenting plan to keep your sanity. Of course, co-parenting takes both parents. If your ex does not cooperate, there are apps, like the Our Family Wizard app, that can help facilitate healthy co-parenting.
Divorce can certainly ease much of the stress you felt in an unhappy marriage, but it does not transform every aspect of your life. It does not relieve unrelated stressors, such as work pressures, financial concerns, and personal health. If you expect every aspect of your life to change overnight, you may be disappointed. Think about how you want to move forward to build the future you want for yourself.
No one can answer this but you. Every marriage and every person is different, and it’s a deeply personal decision. Some people experience grief and regret, others experience relief and happiness, and many experience a wide range of emotions–even at the same time.
Rather than focusing on predicting regret, it can be more helpful to focus on whether staying or leaving supports the kind of life you want to build. For many people, divorce is not about giving up. It’s about recognizing when you need to move onward for a healthier and happier path forward.
